It’s not something they usually put on the job description, but an inherent aspect of every leadership role is that it distances us from the people we lead. It can create physical distance by removing us to a large, walnut-panelled office, or just keeping us busy and giving us less time to see and speak with others. It can create structural distance, by giving us status and authority over others and thereby making us different to them. And it can create psychological distance, by changing how we view and approach others and how they view and approach us.
The best leaders know this and work to minimise it. But minimising is the operative word here, because there is no avoiding distance of some kind or the effects it can have on us. One of the most under-appreciated of these effects is isolation and loneliness. Compared to other aspects of leadership, there is very little research on leader loneliness. Following COVID-19, however, studies into it are becoming more common. And although data is still sparse, there are indications that somewhere between 20-50% of senior leaders often feel lonely. So, a substantial minority, with the number usually estimated to be higher in female leaders and more hierarchical, high power-distance cultures.
The causes are straightforward. First, you are cut off from information, because people stop being as open with you when you become their boss. And the more senior you are, the worse this tends to get. Second, studies show that people working for you are less able to accurately understand your perspective than if they were your peers. And partly because of this, researchers have found that the distance created by being a leader typically results in lower-quality relationships with less senior people.
Another key cause of this is that leaders frequently feel less able to trust people below them, which gets worse with greater psychological distance. For example, a CEO I coached once told me that he felt he constantly had to put on a performance and that everyone wanted something from him. For him, there was no such thing as an innocent conversation, without any consequences. He constantly felt wary and on edge, and the draining effect this had on him was tangible.
Worryingly, studies indicate that a growing proportion of leaders cite loneliness as a challenge. This can be hugely toxic, too. To begin with, it is associated with the poisonous combo of higher levels of stress plus fewer social resources to help cope with it. But even worse, it can create a negative self-reinforcing loop. In feeling less connected and able to trust the people around them, powerholders can be forced to rely more on their own instincts and thinking, reinforcing the insulation they feel. And intriguingly, there is evidence that these toxic effects of distance may inadvertently be being made worse by a leadership industry that continually tells leaders they need to be ‘authentic’. For many leaders, this – ironically – requires a degree of performance. Which may explain why studies have found that loneliness is typically greater in leaders who invest more effort in being authentic.
So, the price of the distance that leadership creates can be high indeed. Informationally, psychologically, and emotionally, leaders are all – to some degree – cut off from the very people they are meant to lead.
Predictably, there is no magic cure-all for this. Probably the most common finding here, though, is the importance of cultivating key relationships, either with particular colleagues in your business or peers in other firms. External coaching or mentoring seems to play a similar role here, too, with the key being having specific individuals whom you feel you can trust and confide in.
Moreover, two things are increasingly emerging from the research. First, loneliness can have a negative impact not just on engagement and turnover but also on leaders’ performance. Most notably, there is growing evidence that the more lonely leaders feel, the more their decision-making can be affected as they become increasingly psychologically isolated from the people around them. And second, the best thing organisations and senior executives can do to help support their leaders is be open about the fact that isolation is not an individual weakness, but an inherent part of leadership. Because, the more we can normalise it, the easier it becomes to talk about and address.
